Why Online Dating Sucks—and How Rarebird Is Reinventing It

Dating apps are rigged against real connection. Here's how we're fixing it.

Want to skip ahead? Join our waitlist at join.rarebird.app.

I was staring at another promising dating app profile. Smart, curious, into both science and art—exactly the kind of person I'd love to meet. But all I could do was swipe right and hope that somehow, someday, they'd see my profile too. Even if they did, then what? Another match that would fizzle out, joining the graveyard of dead-end conversations.

My friend Maya was dealing with the opposite problem—hundreds of matches, but somehow just as frustrating. "Look at this," Maya gestured at her phone, "A hundred matches since yesterday. Half just comment on my looks. The other half..." she scrolls through messages, "all want to know if I'll cook for them on the first date. Nobody sees that I'm trying to rediscover these old family recipes, figuring out what they tasted like generations ago, before ingredients changed and everything adapted. I just want to meet someone who gets excited about why these stories matter, you know?"

Watching Maya scroll through her messages, something clicked. Here was someone creating these amazing experiences, diving deep into centuries of culinary history—and all anyone could see was "woman who cooks." Meanwhile, I was struggling to find anyone who'd even see my profile. That's when it hit me: these weren't different problems at all. Whether you're drowning in shallow attention or shouting into the void, we were all stuck in the same broken system—one that was actively preventing real connection from happening.

It was infuriating. These apps weren't even trying to help us find the right people. They were just keeping us trapped in an endless loop of swiping and hoping, dangling the possibility of a great match in front of us—usually with a premium subscription attached. The whole thing felt cynical and exploitative, especially considering what was at stake. We're not talking about optimizing ad clicks here—we're talking about love and connection, about finding the relationships that shape who we are and who we become.

That's when I hit my breaking point. "Fuck it," I thought. "How would a dating app work if it actually worked in your favor?"

The Breaking Point

Here’s what I realized in that moment: these apps aren't just failing to help us connect—they're actively keeping us disconnected. They've built an entire system that profits from maintaining our isolation while dangling the possibility of connection just out of reach.

Think about how it actually works. Without any real feedback about mutual compatibility, unrealistic fantasies just keep building. Day after day, you're filtering through messages from people captivated by a version of you that exists only in their minds—dismissing everything that makes you unique. Meanwhile, others pour their energy into crafting thoughtful messages that vanish into the ether, never reaching the right people.

The apps have no reason to break these illusions because your frustrated hope is literally their business model. They keep you swiping with the promise that maybe the next profile will be different, that maybe if you just upgrade your subscription or boost your profile, you'll finally find that connection you're looking for.

I started seeing this pattern everywhere. A friend who wouldn't mention her mushroom foraging because it seemed "too weird" for dating apps. Another who kept quiet about his home recording studio, worried it made him seem obsessive. Everyone building these safe, generic profiles that could have been written by AI. These apps flood you with options while paradoxically making it harder to find the right people.

I knew I was weird and outside the mainstream. But I also knew with absolute certainty that there were people out there who would get me, and who I'd get in return. They weren't mythical creatures—they were real people probably feeling just as frustrated with the same broken system. The problem wasn't finding people who existed; it was that these apps were actively making it harder to find them.

That's when I started asking myself: what if we could actually predict how much two people would like each other before they ever met? Not through generic compatibility scores or personality tests, but by learning what actually makes each person light up?

Meet EMMA: Your AI Matchmaker

That question led us to create EMMA (our Efficient Matchmaking Algorithm). But we quickly realized something: to help you find genuine connection, EMMA needed to understand what truly excites you—not just surface-level attraction, but real resonance. And that meant breaking free from the endless yes/no swiping that has dominated dating apps for the past decade.

Instead, EMMA learns through a simple but powerful approach: she shows you pairs of potential matches and asks who you'd be more excited to meet. These natural choices reveal your real preferences far more clearly than mindless right-swipes ever could. When you choose between specific people rather than just reacting to random profiles, something shifts. You start thinking about who would actually light up your life.

This transforms how people present themselves. On traditional apps, everyone tries to construct a safe, generic profile that might get that right-swipe. But when your profile is being compared directly to others, authenticity becomes your strength. Maya doesn't have to hide her obsession with tracking down the right dried limes or her debate about Spanish versus Iranian saffron. These specific details help the right people recognize something of themselves. The very things that might seem "too much" in the world of shallow swiping become exactly what draws in the people who would genuinely excite you.

EMMA's mission is simple: find those rare matches where both people would be thrilled to meet each other. Not through generic compatibility scores, but by learning what actually makes each person light up.

The Pebble System: Making Every Connection Count

That's where our Pebble System comes in—EMMA's elegant solution for turning insight into real connection. Each day, you get a fresh set of pebbles—tokens of attention and intentionality. When someone catches your interest, you can use these pebbles to reach out. But here's the magic: EMMA adjusts how many pebbles it costs to contact each person based on her deep understanding of mutual compatibility, creating natural pathways between people who would truly appreciate each other.

Think of Maya's transformation. Instead of drowning in messages from people who just saw "woman who cooks," she started receiving thoughtful notes from people genuinely excited about her culinary historical research. It's like EMMA became Maya's virtual wingwoman, subtly signaling to the right people—those who would truly appreciate her passion for ancient recipes and food history. When these kindred spirits discovered her profile, EMMA made it easier for them to connect, while gently steering away those just looking for a casual dinner date.

This creates something remarkable: a space where being unabashedly yourself becomes your greatest strength. Your quirks and passions aren't things to hide—they're beacons that draw in exactly the right people. When you discover someone who excites you, EMMA's guidance through pebble costs lets you know if they might feel the same way. And when you receive a message, you know it represents genuine intention—not just another "hey" in a sea of generic greetings, but a spark of recognition from someone who sees and appreciates who you are.

The result is a new kind of space—one where real connection can flourish. Where you don't have to hide your passions or play games. Where being genuine becomes the natural path to finding your people. All guided by an AI matchmaker who understands what makes each person unique, using pebbles to weave countless individual sparks of interest into a tapestry of authentic connection.

Join Rarebird

We built Rarebird because finding real connection shouldn't feel impossible. Whether you're drowning in shallow attention that misses who you really are, or frustrated with searching endlessly for the right people—there's a better way. One where being authentically yourself isn't just allowed, but becomes your key to finding genuine connection.

Ready to experience dating differently? Visit rarebird.app to join our waitlist.